Sometimes, I don't even know why I am living in this world. Those mistakes I do, those choices I make- why was I given a chance to live in here? At times, I would actually regret the people I'm friends with, or who my family members are. Then I would think, "Why do I have an environment like this?"
Some of my thoughts could get really strange, like how I would sometimes think that when people are proud of me, it's because they're forced to. I've mentioned a few examples when I was talking to a friend about this topic. The examples were:
- Parents are forced to be proud of you because that's what they do.
- Teachers are forced to be proud of you because that's their job.
- Classmates are forced to be proud of you because they just want to comfort you.
I honestly think, that the points per each could be mixed up with the others. Actually, they're more like to be the reasons for all my examples. I thought that parents should always be proud of you because- they are your parents. Though, at times your child may do something wrong, you would always be there to tell them their mistakes and later on be proud of them. Same goes with teachers. You need to be proud of your students because it's your job to do so. It's your job to motivate the students, it's your job to 'most-of-the-time' comfort your students when they get a low grade, it's practically all your job. Then again, same goes with classmates. When you would sometimes fail your exams, they would be there to comfort you and tell you that there's another chance, it's because you are classmates, and most of your classmates would be actually doing this. I feel like being proud of me is something people are forced to do.
I actually think my hatred for everything is spreading. I don't know how, I guess I just feel it sometimes. Today, I talked to a friend and I literally blew up our conversation. I kept talking in short phrases while he/she tried to keep the conversation up. I feel like sometimes I act like an ass. A friend called me a 'jerk' yesterday, because I was really in a bad mood that time. Today, I kept talking back with short phrases because it felt bad, even if I knew my friend was right. Sometimes, I get really pissed off, I just blow my anger towards random people. For example, there's this friend of mine who made me really mad, I'd just go scream at this random friend because I had to. When I keep all my anger inside me, in time I will grow some hate for those people who made me mad. So, when that would happen, I would actually scream rude words towards them.
People say, that you should never keep your emotions inside you. It's because, if you keep keeping your emotions to yourself, at this certain point of time, you will get fed up and then you'll just explode. Explode in anger, happiness, sadness, etc. So sometimes, they would say that you should share your problems to other people, so you wouldn't get fed up. In which, I would totally disagree. I would rather keep all my emotions to myself because I don't want anyone else know about my hatred for everything. My anger towards everyone, my happiness towards an object, my sadness in every certain day. I don't feel like anyone else should care about my problems or emotions, I mean, they've got their own, so why care about mine? Plus, when people would actually care about it, I feel like I'm being selfish. I feel like instead of caring for other people's problems, I would actually make them care about mine. Sometimes my problems aren't really that-that. It's like, some people have more problems that are actually something to problem about, and I'm just here, having problems about- these. See? It's not that important, unlike the others.
I promised someone that I will change. That I will actually focus on studies before those social media sites. I think I shall change to fulfill my other promises, like beating Joel at least ONCE in something school related. BUT! I already beat Joel once, based on Sir Richmond. Apparently, Joel and I can't remember when, but it's acceptable. Support me on this one for once.
The feeling when I actually promised that (the one with me changing) is weird. I want to become something for a better, I guess. I'm already on the process of doing this, and I hope it would be success.
During dismissal time, EJ went downstairs to tell us about theories. His explanation to me was great, but I kept arguing. I didn't want to lower my pride, once I state something, I want my statement to win. Too much pride, I guess. Anyhow, he told me to prove that I exist. Then he told me why we should believe in God. Then I kept complaining, which I don't really get why. But, that's just me. So we kept arguing for a few minutes, then he told me this argument is going anywhere, so we stopped. Until the ride home, he kept telling me about more theories, and it was cool. I get really interested when talking about these things, I know that. I don't think anyone else knows it though.
Our lives would be better without judgement or criticism. Or maybe, those actually make up life. I don't know, you guys decide, because I am pretty complicated.
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